To think i might not see those eyes, Makes it so hard not to cry, And as we say our long goodbyes, I nearly do.

I haven't written in a few days or so because I have started school. Between balancing school and studying the Bible and growing spiritually I have almost no time for anything else right now. School is very draining and I hardly sleep.

I don't allow myself to think about him too much, but I sometimes I cannot control where my thoughts wonder. I was reminding myself last night, "You spent over 18years without him in your life, you'll be fine," but you know.. it's more like encouragement to get my mind away from him. I do miss him a lot, but I know what happened was for best. I know that. It just hurts me that he chose something that will only give him temporary happiness over me.. I offered him more than that, but I always lose when I am competing with that.

The only reason I am writing this is because I was listening to some music and the lyrics really caught my ear.



"I pray that something picks me up And sets me down in your warm arms."




I'll end it at that.
-Cristina

Today I went to a Pro-life silent protest. It was so amazing and encouraging to see young people, old people, black people, white and hispanic people joining all together to fight something horrible that's been taking over the lives of innocent children for about.. 30 years now.

I got there at 9ish with Margarita. We signed in and got handed some red tape that says LIFE on it. The tape was placed over our mouths as we marched like a large army toward the Planned Parenthood Center. The tape covering our mouths represented the thousands of babies who did not have a "choice" and could not speak for themselves. We spoke for them and it was awsome. :)

Everyone lined up around the building, that's 6 stories and 78,000 square feet by the way, and the 2nd largest abortion clinic in the world to date. We all joined together in prayer and in a protest, but in a very calm civilized way. There was no rioting or yelling, it was very calm and actually very quiet (considering we were all praying and had tape over our mouths haha).

It was really a great experience. I can't say that God will destroy the building or.. somehow make it not open, but I know that He can. Everything goes according to His plan, whether that's to shut it down or not, but either way He'll be praised and glorified because He knows the best plan for His people and He knows what to allow and what to not allow.

I hope that our efforts were not in vain and that something WILL happen, but I can only hope and pray. The experience of being a part of this and seeing others who believed what I believed was awsome and I will never forget it.

What is your initial oppinion of a Christian? Be honest.

I remember before I was a Christian I thought other Christians were fake, slutty, hypocrits, rude, liars--the list can go on and on. I thought they were everything they claimed they shouldn't be and in all honesty, a lot of them are. I used to think, "Why would I ever want to be a Christian? SO I could be a hypocrit like those girls who claim to be christians and get drunk and have sex with new guys every weekend? Pff. I would never do that." There were so many bad examples of people who said they were Christians around me at school.. at work.. even in the church! I was disgusted by them. I was always someone who wanted to be real, I wan't going to play around and pretend to be something I wasn't. I wasn't going to be a Christian so I could be under the same label as all those fakes.

That's what I used to think anyways.

I remember Christians would tell me, "Oh! Jesus has changed me so much! I am so different then I used to be and I know I couldn't have changed like this all on my own!"

I would think it was so silly when they said that; I thought they were lying to me, until I experienced an enormous change in my life too.

Let me paint you a picture of myself about... a year to two years ago.
(Hope my mother doesn't get mad, but here it goes).

I liked to drink, I liked to smoke weed, I liked doing drugs (not that I did a lot of them.. but what difference does it make?). I didn't care if I lied to my mom, I didn't care if I lied to my teachers. I encouraged my friends to lie to their parents so we could do what we wanted. I thought music was the most important thing, I thought it was way more important than my own family. I was into tarrot cards and getting my palm read. I was rude to people who loved me. I didn't care if I hurt your feelings or if I made you feel bad because of something I said. I was invovled in things that I should have never done. I didn't respect anyone. I was nice to people I hardly knew, but I was rude to people that were closest to me. I just didn't care. I did what I wanted and that's all that mattered to me. I disliked almost everyone and I really didn't care whether I lived or died at a time in my life.

I was really different compared to who I am today.

I started to do research on whether I believed God existed about.. 9 months ago--no, 10 months ago. I started to come to conclusions that God and Jesus could be very real. I started dating Michael. I said I was a Christian when I started dating him, but I wasn't a Christian yet, I was still doing research. Michael met the old me and thats who he liked. Over the summer I had a lot of time to do a lot of research so I started growing in faith that there really was a God. My knowledge of Him was continuing to grow everyday. I still wasn't a Christian though, even though I claimed I was. As I started learning things I thought, "Maybe I should change some things about myself because I don't feel right doing them anymore." I had that thought in my head for a while, but I would ignore it. Then I became a Christian in.. I'm guessing August or September. Now, I didn't change just dramatically over night--that's silly, but I did change a lot. I stopped doing anything illegal, I also respected my mom and family a lot more because I could see all the things I took for granted that they did for me. I guess I can't really describe to you every change that occurred from the time I slowly started realizing there was a God, but just by speaking with me, if you knew the old me, could tell that I have changed. I've been told many times that I'm a lot different than I used to be--people just get a better vibe from me.

I'm not here to say that now that I am a christian I am so perfect and angelic now, because that would be a complete lie, but I can say that I am a better person than who I used to be. The old Cristina died and the new one lives now. Maybe that sounds weird? Haha, but I am not the old me anymore, and I like that. I like the new me much better because I am much happier and even though there are a lot of fake people who claim to be Christians we shouldn't look at them and complain about how fake they are like I used to because they aren't the example (they SHOULD be, but they can disqualify themselves). Jesus Christ is our one true example of what it's like to be a Christian. He was not a hypocrit so we can learn from His perfect ways. :)

Just in case I sort of confused you about when I was saying I claimed to be a Christian but I wasn't: In order to be a Christian you have to just put your complete trust in Him that He did die on the cross to pay for all your sins (past, present, and future) and that is the only way you are saved and go to Heavan. You have to trust that it is not by the good things you do that can get you into Heavan, but just the simple faith that you put in Jesus Christ as your Savior.---I hadn't done that til September so thats why I only claimed to be a Christian.

Not all Christians are fake, but we are human too and we stumble. Just don't forget that.

You wasted time on me?
I totally wasted time on you.
How could I have ever believed that you cared about me the way you said you did.
What was I thinking.
You dissappointed me so much.

I don't care what you do.
I hope I never, ever see you.

Sincerely, Cristina

Today I hung out with someone I hadn't seen in many, many years. It was great to catch up and remember all the things we used to do and just see how we have each grown and stuff.

After that I met with my spiritual leader, her name is Whitney. We go over articles and bible studies, or I can ask her questions if I don't understand something the Bible says. She is very helpful and very smart. We went over an article today and then after I went to her apartment and ate with her and the other girls. It was nice.

Today I also remembered what someone told me a few days ago. He told me something about his health.. I guess you could say. I don't want to say much because it's personal stuff, but I really got worried when I remembered about it. I just hope he is okay, but the communication has been cut off between us. For forever probably.

School starts in a few days. :/

I don't have much else to say. I hope you guys have a good week :)

Love, Cristina

You said you wanted me, but you wanted something else.

I felt bad that we were both hurt, but now it's just me thats hurt and it's cool because I don't need you anyways.

Oh yeah, you reallllly wanted to be with me. Please, save your lies.

Don't you hate it when every day you are trying to forget but everything you do, every song you've ever listened to, every joke that made you laugh keeps bringing you back to the memory you are trying to forget?

I'm not trying to forget anyone, because I know I never will, but atleast I could think less.. but thats nearly impossible too.

This is one of two bl0gs. I figured I could make a blog that I allow most people to see. If you want to see my other blog you'll have to ask, because it's pretty personal. Only a few people have it.

Today was pretty good. I hung out with Whitney (she's my spiritual leader), Danielle (she lives with Whitney, they are both missionaries), and Margrita (my best friend :D). I had bible study later. Bible study was awsome! It's awsome when I get to learn something in greater detail. For example, I already knew God was and is powerful because.. He's God, but I guess it wasn't in perspective until the bible study today. God is enormous, I mean bigger than I could even describe and He is powerful, more powerful than I could really begin to imagine. I really enjoy learning new things about God.

The past week has been a bit difficult. I messed up by talking to someone I shouldn't have. It wasn't really that I shouldn't have talked to that person, it's just that so many feelings and emotions are attached to that person and they all come spilling out when I am around that person, but things just can't be the way that person and I would like them to be. I wish they could and I wish that person could just jump into my brain so that person could understand me completely, but I am dumb. I should have never talked to them because I only made things worse on that person and me. And I only reminded myself of how much I ajshdjkashdas him...

School starts up in a little over a week. It's a bittersweet thing. I want school to start because I am excited for Spanish II and Bio I, and my sleeping schedule is reallllly off, but I don't want it to start because that means lots of studying again, and lots of staying at the school for 29374209 hours a day. Well.. thats kind of an exaggeration, but thats what it feels like.

Margarita should be moving in... I don't know when though.

2010 will be a good, good year. It will have it's struggles, but it will be good.
I can't wait :)

Alright, thats it. Bye!!

P.S. Those lyrics on my profile in my about really speak what I wanted to say. Not that you would care, but... yeah..